Finally, Resting in Peace- Chester Bennington.

“When my time comes forget the wrong that I’ve done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed”, Chester Bennington has given us innumerable reasons to miss him & never ever did he do anything wrong! But, this world wronged him in every phase, that hanging himself felt the righteous choice to him.

He was already drowning in from a long time which reflected in his lyrics of ‘Heavy’, but he fought big time. How fucked up a person would’ve felt that even music couldn’t save him! He proved the absolute truth yet again that – You’re alone, no matter what. And he left us wondering that if a music legend like him couldn’t fight it, how the hell can we!!?

Since childhood he saw no good in people and in the world. All he faced was abuse- mental, emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual. Even after giving so many awesome songs, how empty and hollow would he be feeling to end it all at once!

We were so drowned & taken away by all of his songs, that those were the only lyrics we used to humm every single day. During school, after school, at home and then again at school. Even at our little parties, our teenage was all about Linkin Park! We didn’t know at first what we were listening to, until our teenage life fucked us over in our little ways & these songs were the only help we needed, in the end.

As we grew up, all of our life games and sorrows were okay because we had all of them! Somewhere I Belong, Leave Out All The Rest, Numb, What I’ve Done, Bleed It Out, Papercut & the list goes on…We listened & sang & rocked our rooms, shouted like him and tried to be like him. We jumped on the floor from a height, while Linkin Park was on full volume! It was all for the sake of music & life. It was just the best, our escape from everything. But never did we imagined that those songs are not just music but someone’s call for help.

But you know what! There’s no help. No one can help no one. When you’re fucked, you’re fucked. You can just TRY & get real, survive through that pain or end it all just like that!

He saw pain, sorrows & only hate in this world. I think that he did it right! If the pain is just sucking up the life in you, you just can’t let it win the damn game.You gotta do something & he did something- for himself, for peace.

Sometimes you just can’t talk anymore , sometimes you don’t want to! It’s just, you don’t know what’s wrong, but nothing,NOTHING can make you happy. You know you love your people & they love you, but there’s no point in all of it, if you just can’t love yourself or even if you do, you have to set yourself free, in anyway possible!

Chester chose death. I wish he hadn’t, I wish, he’d fought it a bit more, but I know he is finally in peace!

Thankyou for everything, Chester.

One Last Time…..

For one last time, I am putting out my negative side,

For one last time, I am wasting my words on a cry,

For one last time, I am a submissive to my ‘not welcomed’ love for you,

For one last time, it seems that all of the goodness & hope is not so good to be true!

For one last time, I am broken again,

For one last time ,my heart is filled with screams of unfulfilled desires and lost anger and pain!

For one last time, I am my own prisoner,

For one last time, I am letting you come in, as  a lover.

For one last time, I’ll love you as much as I can.

For one last time, I’ll feel your hands on mine.

For one last time, I’ll TRY to survive.

For one last time, I’ll laugh at your joke,

For one last time, I’ll drown into your fake world and get a stroke!

For one last time,Let me be the most naive soul,

For one last time, my heart aches while I miss you even more!

For one last time, I wish for you, and you’re not there anymore.

For one last time, I even care,

For one last time, I consider this as my last hurt…..Again!

For one last time, My words are proving to be a safer way to let out the pain!

For one last time, I am writing about you that I can’t say to anyone but myself.

For one last time, I am thinking about you as of a good heart,

For the first time, I am talking about you, as my Past!

For one last time, I am telling you for the first time ,

-That you’re a coward because you are afraid of your own heart!

-That you’re impossible for me to stay as your part!

-That I am done getting hurt,

-That I know you won’t love.

– That I don’t believe in the goodness you once held in you,

And that YOU changed everything, forever!

A Letter to my Best Friend

Since we do not have much pictures clicked together like my other ones, I am writing this letter for you. And also, you not liking the camera much is the one thing I don’t like….😑

So Poodle🐶 ,

I am literally out of words when I think about how far our friendship has come! However, almost 8 years ago I became ‘Tandoori’ and you became ‘tommy’ to me…Always sharing consistent roll numbers in class, was one of the reasons we have this bond! Friendship is such a pure relation- it will never hurt you, ignore you or leave you! Just like you my friend! Even when I was ‘underground’ for a whole year, you tracked me down & talked like I was never away- you never ignored, hurt or left me. Thankyou for that. I am grateful for so many things, but I will only mention one- You are always there- Always when I want to talk from the stupidest to an important thing, when I am being naive about my ‘not-so-good’ love life; when I am angry or depressed- You are always there! You are truly a gem and I am lucky that you found me.😇

I am so proud of how far you’ve come and how stable and mature you’ve become over time! I learn so many things from, be it academics or life, one of them is to never give up on the ones you truly love.😌

You understand me speechlessly. You understand my silence, and that’s why we call your type of people – best friend.

There were times when I got the vibe people talking rumours about us being involved as more than friends, but that’s just a part of being best friends with the opposite gender! A struggle every friendship like our’s have to encounter. But it never ever bothered me, because, why would it!

And the hell we talk about, like every possible thing on the planet and beyond. Like, you tell me stuff, sometimes I don’t get & then you make fun of me- that’s not cool.😑

 And when we discuss all the awesome movies and blaaahhh…So much fun!

You’ve always supported me through hard times, gave me just the best advice.  Sometimes, scolded me- because I needed that too! Thankyou for all those times. And even when the last couple of months weren’t easy for both of us, I am glad that we’ve got each other’s back! We’ll always be there for each other- Laughing at each other (most of the times), crying together when our favorite celebrity or game of thrones character dies, sharing all of our fears and goals- and in all of that my friend, I’ll always be there for you.😃
You made my life better! Best friends do that… I love you and always remember- finish your study, get a job & buy me presents- for oh! so many ocassions taat you owe me!😝

 Thankyou for choosing me to be your best friend.Cheers to our lifetime bond.

And and, HAPPY BIRTHDAY……😘🎂🎁🎈

Still the same smiles..❤

Fair enough?

Was it right? All that pain, rage and sufferings?

Is it fair for us to stay like this?

I never thought that we were meant for this insensitive punishment! What’s the point after all?

I miss you everyday. I miss all of our talks.

I hate how we’re so connected yet so far away! Everytime I miss you, I wonder how life would’ve turned out so differently if positive had happened!!!

We might have grown together, unlike now, how we did grow apart! We might have more pictures clicked 😅…We might have travelled places ( okay, I know its not been that long, but what’s the harm to imagine!😛😋).

It feels like years have passed since I last saw you!!! Or last looked in your eyes, trying to read your thoughts!! I miss that!

It feels like ages! Am I silly to think this way or its just, my feelings never go away!!!?…You’re special, that’s why! ❤

The Infinite Days of ‘US’

Aren’t there certain times, when you are hell confused about something but couldn’t find the solution!? There are plenty. I’ve never been so confused in my life before! Not getting an answer to a question, around which your life revolves, is the most frustrating thing ever! You can’t find peace with anything, which is even more annoying than the question itself!

Your essence never leaves my side, its too strong. I am stronger than it, but its comforting and takes me back where I want to go!!

We can’t go back in time and change things or our actions. I don’t want to change anything infact. It made me what I am today & I love this new person! And I bet the new person that you’ve become is better for you too! So, its all good, then what is it that keeps us connected somehow?! Everything & every thought leads to you & yet, I can’t figure out why! Spending months to get over it and trying to find peace, I still couldn’t find out the reason of us still being together even after us staying apart!

I tried finding answers but all that I came up with were some ‘movie’ shit and philosophies!! Although, some relations are not meant to end, even if they did end! Some connections are rare to find! Some chemistries are not to look up into other people, but ONE ! Until now, I was confused & upset about not being able to figure out anything. But now I just don’t care what happens!!

I’ve accepted that we can’t be together, & that’s the ‘fault in our stars’⭐! But, also I know that we’ll always be together even if we are apart! Because there’s a part of Me that lives in You, and a part of  You that lives inside Me & nobody can take it away from us. We’re each other’s horcruxes ( only harry potter fans will know😅).

I am glad that it happened. I am glad that I met you, without which I would’ve never been able to experience the purest essence of love. Only few lucky ones know its power & only few can survive it forever! I am one of those lucky few, who know the beauty & flavour of the soul of true love & I am glad that I do.

And now that I know it, sometimes its okay to not find an answer, its okay to remain at “what if’s” , because even if you do find out, it might be something you aren’t expecting which may lead to you getting hurt!

Not knowing something like it, keeps us out of one of life’s crisis!

So, its okay to not know.

Life gives us enormous chances, but only few second chances! But I never felt as it is our last chance! As far as I know and I can go, we’ll be getting our share of second chances, whenever WE want! For all I know, we’ve got infinte days of ‘US’, until life figures it out itself! ….❤

Your Sense of Timing⏳

I am wondering that what is so good about you, that even after months of trying, I am unable to get over you!! It feels like depression, I cry for no reason & sometimes I feel weak and shivered. Just last night, I felt like I am going to die with some ‘overthought’ disease of mine & may be ‘granting’ it as my last wish, you’ll remain with me for whatever days I’d left! That’s how silly can one be!😛

Then, I got scared, not because I literally am going to die (I am gonna live a long and healthy life, don’t flatter yourself bitches😎).

 I was scared for myself! I was scared because I, until now, couldn’t really understand my ‘dying disease’! It strike me in my moments of overthinking, that

 “we create scenarios in our heads, not because we want that to happen ( I obviously don’t WANT do die at such a sexy age, duh!😑) , but we create them because we just want our unfinished and flattering desires to get fulfilled!” 

As in this case its  ‘being with you’. All of my ‘deadly’ behaviour is surrounded by this wish at any cost & here, my death.!!! WTF!

You’re my biggest disease. I can’t quit you, I can’t ignore you and since you’re a part of me, I can’t hate you. I wish I was as deadly in real life , as you!!

Moreover, you came into my life, when everything was perfect & smooth, and in addition to you, it was nonetheless a dream come true! Timing!

But, you left at the time, when I was vulnerable & everything was about to change! I wasn’t at my best but also not at my worst either, because ‘I thought’ you were there! Then, when I needed you the most, you were gone- THEN I was at my worst!

But somehow, I re-occured in a way, that I don’t feel the need of anyone anymore but myself! I am the most worthy and trustable company for myself! I don’t even feel the need to TALK to anyone!
Yet, here I am , thinking that “Man! I thought it was over, but it isn’t! Timing is a bitch and an angel too! However,

“You have a brilliant sense of timing” !

I hope SHE dies soon….

​She is being vicious about everything around her. HER anxiety is causing discomfort for ME! I’ve told her so many times, that SHE is being unreasonable, she needs to calm down a bit, yet she doesn’t understand!! For once, she agrees with me, but for another, she is stubborn and rigid.

She tells everything that has happened to HER, not just once, but every fucking day! SHE repeats her stories, & through those stories, she creates new stories!! She overthinks alot! I tell HER to shut-up and catch a break! I tell Her to focus on what’s coming and not hold on to what’s gone! I tell Her to stop hurting herself, everyday & night!

I tell Her that it’s never coming back, & you know what she tells me on that? “What if, it does?” Aaaahhh! YOU Fucking Coward, grow up!!!! Now, SHE is driving ME, crazzzyyyyyy!!! She has lost it! Cries everyday & stays up all night!

I ask HER everyday to make a plan & work hard on what SHE wants to do in her life. Surprisingly, She listens to ME on this. Then, again after a while, comes back to her grief!!

 Like a butterfly in her cacoon wants to fly, yet she’s afraid to die!

She steps out first & then, goes back all scared and depressed!

SHE don’t understand what she is leading up to! She is becoming her weapon of self- destruction & I am, Even trying my level best, is unable to stop HER do that!!!

SHE knows how blessed she is, yet she craves more, because she know she deserves more!

I tell HER, that these tears are not what SHE’s worth! I tell HER to forget and move on because that is the only smart thing to do! SHE have dreams & goals to fulfil, SHE must not waste herself on some ‘hopeless shit’.

SHE is not ME, but I am HER.

SHE still loves him, but ME, well I do the smart thing! 

I am trying to help HER, but it’s Time, that will tell HER that SHE needs to die, and that SHE is blocking MY way, because SHE is still a part of ME.