An Ode to Depression, cause we Broke Up!
I’ll be honest and open. 2017 started off with depression and extreme anxiety! Not very good at hiding emotions, I hid it pretty well this time, because I knew, that this time , it was “Me against Myself”. So, I learnt the survival skills required for an “indian-independent-who cares a lot,but still doesn’t give a damn- woman”! Although, my parents have a huge role to play here, thanks to their “liberty of the right sorts”, I can walk around strong and brave, as I might think I was becoming!
It happens more often with all of us, when we move to a new city, it takes time for you to gel-in and adjust. But the more tricky part is when the city itself is trying to adapt you! It was very overwhelming, everything was either too much or nothing, once and for all!!!! I was nowhere near feeling connected to the city, it’s people and most unfortunately myself! Feeling unattached to yourself is the “Lord Supreme” of all negativities..
So, I fought. I was lost (like each one of them who suffers from it), but I tried every bit of my heart and soul, to find the way, moreover, to find “home”…..As miserable as I was, I had an accident in the second month & I was like “yayy! This year holds alot for me”. So, I took a break from everything, even myself! (For reference of that incident, read
Someone wise once said,
“In order to find yourself, you have to lose yourself first”.
So, I lost. Self-doubts, hopelessness, loneliness, unkind behavior towards everyone, overall, depression obsessing over, wasn’t ready to leave me anytime now! I lost in the wrath of my own thoughts! Who knew no one can ever love me, like depression did! So, romantic, it even let me meet its best friend, anxiety!
I learnt the real meaning of anxiety for the very first time, but everyday, it was giving me whole new meanings! That’s when I realized I have anxiety disorder. Which was fine for a while, because they(anxiety attacks) only arrived when no one was watching! But it got me by terror, when I started having’em in public!
I used to cry while riding my vehicle, so that no one could see that I was crying cause of the helmet (yasss, we Indians follow traffic rules). Hard to believe right? A person like me can feel like that! Well, anyone can! So!..
But. I survived all of that, not because I never wanted to escape this world. I did thought of harming myself so many times- when I used to get tired of crying & screaming for help, even when I was out with family or friends, I was still screaming for help inside! But, I somehow survived, not for anyone but for myself.
I survived because of my dreams and belief in them!
We say generally that people are fake or dual-faced, but the truth is far from this. The people who are mentally in a fight with themselves are most likely to be fake and dual-faced. I know I was. I was all happy and enthusiastic outside, but inside, all I wanted was to beat the shit out of people! Anxiety boss! It makes you evil.
However, what helped me more this year was my time with my family. I spent most of my time with my cousins and uncles and aunts. I realised their importance in my life. I realized how much they adore me. And I can’t thank them more for being there, opening up the lonely heart in a casket! They helped me heal.
But what happened in the second half of 2017 was far far away from any of my expectations and anticipations, which changed everything. Even me!
To be continued….