To Sum-Up 2017

An Ode to Depression, cause we Broke Up!

I’ll be honest and open. 2017 started off with depression and extreme anxiety! Not very good at hiding emotions, I hid it pretty well this time, because I knew, that this time , it was “Me against Myself”. So, I learnt the survival skills required for an “indian-independent-who cares a lot,but still doesn’t give a damn- woman”!  Although, my parents have a huge role to play here, thanks to their “liberty of the right sorts”, I can walk around strong and brave, as I might think I was becoming!

It happens more often with all of us, when we move to a new city, it takes time for you to gel-in and adjust. But the more tricky part is when the city itself is trying to adapt you! It was very overwhelming, everything was either too much or nothing, once and for all!!!! I was nowhere near feeling connected to the city, it’s people and most unfortunately myself! Feeling unattached to yourself is the “Lord Supreme” of all negativities..

So, I fought. I was lost (like each one of them who suffers from it), but I tried every bit of my heart and soul, to find the way, moreover, to find “home”…..As miserable as I was, I had an accident in the second month & I was like “yayy! This year holds alot for me”. So, I took a break from everything, even myself! (For reference of that incident, read )

Someone wise once said,

“In order to find yourself, you have to lose yourself first”.

So, I lost. Self-doubts, hopelessness, loneliness, unkind behavior towards everyone, overall, depression obsessing over, wasn’t ready to leave me anytime now! I lost in the wrath of my own thoughts! Who knew no one can ever love me, like depression did! So, romantic, it even let me meet its best friend, anxiety!

I learnt the real meaning of anxiety for the very first time, but everyday, it was giving me whole new meanings! That’s when I realized I have anxiety disorder. Which was fine for a while, because they(anxiety attacks) only arrived when no one was watching! But it got me by terror, when I started having’em in public!

I used to cry while riding my vehicle, so that no one could see that I was crying cause of the helmet (yasss, we Indians follow traffic rules). Hard to believe right? A person like me can feel like that! Well, anyone can! So!..

But. I survived all of that, not because I never wanted to escape this world. I did thought of harming myself so many times- when I used to get tired of crying & screaming for help, even when I was out with family or friends, I was still screaming for help inside! But, I somehow survived, not for anyone but for myself.

I survived because of my dreams and belief in them!

We say generally that people are fake or dual-faced, but the truth is far from this. The people who are mentally in a fight with themselves are most likely to be fake and dual-faced. I know I was. I was all happy and enthusiastic outside, but inside, all I wanted was to beat the shit out of people! Anxiety boss! It makes you evil.

However, what helped me more this year was my time with my family. I spent most of my time with my cousins and uncles and aunts. I realised their importance in my life. I realized how much they adore me. And I can’t thank them more for being there, opening up the lonely heart in a casket! They helped me heal.

But what happened in the second half of 2017 was far far away from any of my expectations and anticipations, which changed everything. Even me!

To be continued….


My thoughts on- “Since it is indeed possible to be moral or ethical without belief in god or religion,these are useless,amorphous and divisive idea! “

Believing in god or even religion is not useless! Religion came off as an ointment to people’s lost faith. Gods were there for each religion too, although religions got misplaced in the midst of human narcissistic notions. 

Believing in god might not give us the entire idea of morality or ethics, yet, it gives us hope, to carry on without fear. As there is someone taking care of everything else, so that we can take care of ourselves!

However, religion is a myth. There is only one religion in this world-humanity. There is no question above that!.

My Voice

क्या लिख़ दूं ऐसा जो ग़दर हो जाए,

कह दूं कुछ यूं कि उसे फिकर हो जाए।

फिकर न मेरी न अपनी, पर ज़माने की,

कि किस ओर बढ़ चला है, ये कहीं ना ख़तम हो जाए!
रहता वो अपनी धुन में यूं मगन,

चाहे कोई मरे या लड़े, या जला दे इंसानियत,

उसे है चिंता अपने जिस्म की,

 चाहे रूह कोई परिंदा ले जाए।
“रहने दो, अब जागने से क्या फायदा”, 

सच मानकर, झूठ में खो जाए।

जिस परिंदे को बेची थी रूह अपनी,

देख, कहीं वो ही ना राजा हो जाए!!

A School of Reality?

Everyone around us is fighting their own battles we know nothing about. Everyone is lonely, yet nobody is alone. We have friends who suffer from the deepest demonic forces within them. We try to help them fight it, but is it all worth after all?

Every demon we have inside us is the bitter truth about ourselves that can’t be fought but faced!

Everytime I think about my inner grievances, I feel suffocated. Then, I look around and see others & my insecurities just flies away, because I realise this, that I am not alone in my suffocations! Everyone is lonely, and we’re all together in that too!

I wish we’d known this before!  Someone could’ve taught us about the real battles of life and how to compete in each one of them! Life would’ve been so much easier!

Instead of teaching Mathematics and precisely failing at it, we could’ve been taught , how to solve our equations with other humans! Such that there would’ve been no hatred or jealousy or even grudges to hold for one another!

Instead of “memorising” every fucking year and date and name that WAS once a part of this world, a part of our History, we could’ve been taught the tricks to actually forget our own past that haunts us everyday or may be how to just move on from our anticipations!!!!

Instead of the individual genders, sex, reproduction processes and how to re-populate earth, we could’ve been taught the Biology of our own! We could’ve been taught about how to get rid of self-doubts and become selflessly confident in our own skin! We could’ve been taught the importance of self-love and self-appreciation before we fall for anyone else!

Instead of the school of mind-games, politics, favoritism, racism, sexism, judgmentalism, bitching, rivalries, comparison, extreme competition, capitalism- we could have A School of Reality, where we could learn about the things that actually matter! The aspects of how life is tough, how it gets even tougher with time and how we can fight & win it- Together!

We wish we could take away some pain & hurt from some people. We wish we could tell them, that everyone of them is special & essential to the world. But, as much as we want our those wishes to be fulfilled, we dig deeper in their lives , we realise this-

We can try hardest, but we cannot heal the ones who don’t want to be healed. We can love them as much as possible, but it’s all worthless if they can’t love themselves!

Love is the most powerful force in the world- either it’ll make you or take you away!

Crushing Diaries

I crave your voice. Everyday. Everynight.

I close my eyes, and there it is – your infectious smile.

I look around me and hope to find,

the path that takes me to you , where you wait for the time.

The time of me and you, and our world entwined.

I feel this connection of soul and mind, 

for me, which is the hardest to find!

And I can’t get away from this feeling, no, I won’t lie!

I crave your voice, everyday, every night!

I wish that you too,wait for that time…


We’re the victum of self-doubt.

We’re more #frightened than #hurt.

We suffer from our imagination and not reality.


We fear #loneliness, and ignore the #freedom of being #alone.

We fear #rejection, over looking the future absence of #toxicity.

We fear #judgements, inspite of knowing what we truely are.

We fear #disloyalty, in attempt to please #fake people! Isn’t it our #fault!